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Chapter 31
Buffy opened her eyes slowly. Her arms ached, her body throbbed, her head was pounding. She was still cuffed to the bed with her wrists over her head. Spike was still kneeling on the floor, his head resting on his arms. She wondered how long they had been asleep. It was still dark outside, so she figured it probably hadn’t been long. She couldn’t spend one more second in that position though. Her joints were screaming for release.
“Spike.” No response. “Spike wake up.” No response. “Spike.”
His head shot up. “What?” His eyes cleared and focused on her, and he blanched. “Oh…oh…”
He straightened slowly, his back and knees protesting. Slowly, moving like an old man, he grabbed the keys and reached over to unlock her. As soon as she did, she rolled away from him and tried to stand up. Her legs were weak, and it didn’t feel like they would be able to support her weight at all. She ignored Spike as she stumbled past him into the bathroom.
Spike stood by helplessly, unsure of what to do. He could pretend not to care—but the days when he could do that were gone now. She didn’t even spare him a glance before disappearing into the bathroom. Soon, he heard the shower turn on and only then did he sink onto the bed.
What have I done? What did I do? What the hell was that? Spike didn’t know. He couldn’t even begin to comprehend what had just happened, what he had done and said to her. Couldn’t even begin to understand what she was thinking or feeling. And he was so tired. His eyes felt heavy, his head felt like it was full of sawdust. He just wanted to sleep.
He collapsed back onto the bed, still warm from her body. He would just close his eyes for a minute…mustn’t sleep too long. If he did, Buffy would probably try to shoot him…like she had shot Warren. Spike groaned at that thought, he would need to deal with that the next morning. He would need to deal with so much, and he didn’t even know where to start.
Despite his exhaustion, he was still awake when Buffy came out. He watched as she dried herself and combed her hair. In the light, he couldn’t see the marks he had left on her. All the marks were on him anyway. He knew it as sure as he knew his name—what he had done…what he had said…the thing he had shown himself to be…it only empowered her. She knew now—and who knew better than a whore how love could weaken a man?
He expected her to pull on her tattered dress, take his wallet, and walk out the door. He couldn’t have stopped her, even if he wanted to. He couldn’t move. His body ached to be close to her though, to feel her on him and around him again. The body he had marked and bruised and hurt was what he needed now. And how could he even begin to think that she would comfort him when her skin was marred by his imperfection?
She didn’t get dressed though.
“You aren’t leaving then?” His words were barely above a whisper, his throat to raw and parched to produce anymore sound.
“No.”
She casually crossed the room and pulled a beer out of the fridge. She drank it quickly, and didn’t offer him anything even though she must have heard how sore his throat was. He was dying for a drink—but like everything else, it didn’t seem to matter. He just didn’t have the energy to make it matter.
“How…are you?” He finally whispered.
“I’m beaten and bruised, Spike. I can’t tell the difference between the welts you gave me and the bruises I got from Warren. How are you? Did the funeral go well?”
Spike winced. “Yeah.”
“Good. Glad to hear it.”
She pulled a loaf of bread out of the fridge and a jar of jam. She slathered the red fruit on it generously, and took a moment to reflect on how much like blood it looked. He hadn’t hit her hard enough to make her bleed, so she supposed that was something.
“Buffy, I’m…”
“Don’t apologize. If you apologize, I’ll run you with through with this knife.”
“Huh?”
“I don’t want to hear a lie Spike. You aren’t sorry. Well, maybe you’re sorry you didn’t choke me or shoot me or stab me when you had the chance. But other than that, you’re not sorry.”
“I am.”
Buffy shoved the rest of the sandwich into her mouth. Showered, cleaned, stretched, and fed she felt a lot better. Refreshed. Tired though. She felt as tired as Spike looked. Without another word, she fell into bed, landing on her side and pulling as far away from him as possible.
Spike stayed on his half of the bed, longing to touch her. Run his hands down her spine, across her ribs, cup her breasts, fall asleep with his head resting on hers. Slowly, he rolled towards her and looped his arm around her waist. She pulled away quickly, as though she was burned.
“Sorry.”
“You just…startled me.”
“Never mind, I’ll just…”
“Spike—are you tired?”
“Yes.”
“Would you like to sleep?”
“Mmm.”
“Would you be able to sleep if I let you hold me? Do you want to hold me, Spike?”
“I…”
“Do you?”
“Yes.”
“What’s the magic word?”
Spike nearly choked. Did she really think that he would…but she was so far away, her soft skin so close, so touchable, yet so far away. And he wanted to sleep—he needed to sleep. He knew he would feel more like himself once he slept, and let this madness pass. Because that’s what this was. Madness.
“Buffy, can I please hold you?”
She scooted back towards him, her ass resting lightly against his crotch, her legs curling around his, her arm holding his in place around her waist.
“Good night, Spike.”
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Awwww....
*sighs*
Schmoopy black-hearted luuuuuuurrrrrve...
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"What's the magic word?"
Mandy
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You spoiled me
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Knocked On My Ass
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no subject
at least for now.
i have a feeling he won't let her have the upperhand for long.
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And Magz the Fangirl says:
Your writing keeps me at the edge of my seat. It's incredibly well-done, and the frequent updates are a big plus. Hope to read more soon (picture me sitting at my computer, refreshing your lj obsessively).
- Magz
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btw: does anyone have a spare LJ code? if you do, can you give it to me? i would lurve you forever =D
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(And if you're at all concerned that this did not come across in the story, don't worry. It did. It really really did.)
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And Buffy is to some degree. Her treatment of Xander was extraordinarily manipulative and she clearly thinks she can use sex as a tool to manipulate most men. Her past is unclear, tied up with Angel somehow, but it seems that he was perhaps her first and then began pimping her soon after. So she's accustomed to see sex as a form of currency rather than an expression of emotion.
But here's where my confusion lies.
He loves her because he can respect her. He loves her because she can (and does) take care of herself. He loves her because she stands up to him, she's not a screamer, she's not afraid of him. He loves her because she's smart, bright, and she doesn't need anybody.
She takes care of herself? Why would she have continued to allow Angel to pimp her and fork over all her money to him if she could take care of herself? Why stay in that lifestyle at all?
She's not an addict, she doesn't depend on her pimp for drugs which keep her hooked in. She clearly is resourceful in defending herself - she's killed two johns already. So she doesn't need "protection" physically from her pimp. Why wouldn't she move on? Kill Angel herself?
Why consent to a similar arrangement with Spike early on in their relationship when there was no apparent real link between them?
And I know that people have odd and twisted conceptions of passion and love - and perhaps her past with Angel scarred her. Or maybe she was abused. But she's allowed this man who may or may not have killed his wife to beat her repeatedly. Like I said, different psychic scars from different events in our lives may cause us to react in different ways, and possibly if I understood more of her past I would see this, but Buffy stikes me as singularly self-destructive if she doesn't walk away. Love and pain can be intermingled in an otherwise healthy relationship with both parties consent, but here - there in effect is no relationship and she for all intents and purposes has been badly violated. Spike's behavior is a classic cycle of an abuser - intense anger vented at someone who will or is forced to take it, followed by repentence, overcompensation and desparate need.
I have no problem with the storyline, with the events, etc. And you've crafted an engaging plot which clearly keeps me reading and forces more than a passing glance as I read. But I just can't get a handle on why Buffy is still there and moreover, why she won't leave. Why does she think he wants her? Why is he any different than her relationship with Angel which probably landed her in this thing to start with? Why isn't she going to walk away?
Just trying to understand the characters - I appreciate your frequent updates and multi-layered stories.
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Buffy in this story is not what you are interpreting her as, at all. She's not a "good girl" who is being forced into an abusive relationship against her will. She's an opportunist and a manipulator, and a damn good one. Buffy lives her lifestyle because it is the easiest way for her to get what she wants - she has a "skill" and exploits it.
The minute Spike started blackmailing her, she took the situation, bided her time, and used every means to turn it to her advantage. Now, is she a healthy person? By no means, and we have no idea what emotional scars drove her to her situation - or perhaps she's just amoral.
Buffy is in the situation because she thinks she can use it to her own advantage. Just like the Angel situation - in the world of prostitution, people do need pimps. Freelancers often wind up getting killed or beaten. With Spike, she saw something that she could turn to her benefit, as well - the same sort of "fallback".
Of course, there's something else there, too...she's drawn to Spike, probably because she basically understands that he's the sort of person who, with his lack of scruples, could get her where she wants to be. If she can work it properly.
They're two of a kind, really.
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And she does seem all of those things, an opprotunist and a manipulator.
But what is she getting out of life? She's never portrayed as liking what she does, it's a job that pays the bills. She clearly doesn't get off on giving random guys blow-jobs for money. It's work, and not even work that's fulfilling to her. She's lives in a less than great apartment, she doesn't have the money she needs to make it month to month it appears. I can't see where she liked her lifestyle or where it was easy for her. And her saving of the money seems to indicate she does want to walk away.
If she hadn't killed two men already, I'd buy the pimp as protection - but as of yet, the girl seems to be holding her on.
Now maybe she is drawn to Spike - maybe his amoral nature calls to her own, maybe she sees him as a stepping stone for her. Maybe the attraction between them is novel enough for her to stick around when she could leave - it seems to be new and different and something she hasn't experienced before.
But as an opprotunist, someone looking to get ahead, it would seem that Spike is a losing proposition - he's likely to turn on her in a heartbeat, would just as soon chain her as let her free, and in the end, has more resources at his disposal than she does - he's still a cop, still has connections. Whereas Buffy? Has nothing really, except the word of a street whore.
So if she's smart, unless there really is some sort of fatal attraction between the two of them (which may simply be the case), it seems as though she would walk away, while she still can.
But then I'm likely just projecting, because I imagine that's what I would do. And I'm not Buffy.
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As for the fact that she has killed two people already, doesn't it make it more expedient to be manipulating a police officer?
I do know that there is some stuff that is coming up in this story that might make things a little more understandable.
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Ok, I do have to add one thing---I don't consider Spike an abuser (despite his actions) because I can't even begin to wrap my mind around Buffy the Victim. She plays him, and he doesn't realize that she directs his actions and emotions right where she wants him. See Chapter 20---you know, when he didn't get around to bleeding her and the chapter after Dru dies---when he didn't get around to going out and getting himself killed.
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Buffy is manipulating him and his behavior, in part through playing on his desires and what she understands about him - I see that in the past chapters. And I can understand her willingness to accept some physical abuse from him in the course of that manipulation. But some aspects of the past few chapters seem to indicate she doesn't want to use him for her own gain in a manipulative fashion - she's having genuine twinges of emotions underlying actions she doesn't seem to understand, causing her to take abuse from him for his sake - not hers, not something she wants, but because she doesn't want him hurt.
For example:
Buffy grabbed his shirt with both hands and pulled him forward, claiming his mouth. He tried to pull away, but she wouldn’t let him. Don’t know why I’m doing this, don’t know why I care. Don’t know why I can’t let him commit suicide. Don’t know why he wants to. She didn’t think he would tell her either, so she didn’t ask.
Buffy moaned with frustration. Listen, Summers, you don’t care. You do not care. His heart could be shattered in a million pieces right now. That doesn’t mean you care. His whole world could be crumbling, it’s not your place to care. The kiss softened, and now he was searching, asking for something instead of demanding. Don’t…don’t do it. Don’t let him…
She sat on the edge of the bed and watched him quietly. She was confused by what had happened. Confused by the way she stopped him from leaving. Her emotions were conflicting with her reason, and she didn’t understand it. It frightened her, because she knew better. But the thought of him leaving and never coming back—well, that frightened her too.
If she were some sick, cynical, amoral bitch setting Officer William up for a fall for the murder by luring him in and dangling him until the time was right, or for money she could get out of him - sure I could see that.
But she seems to be a confused woman who's had her work-a-day world turned on its head in a short time, and she's fighting feelings that cause her to do things she's not even clear on her reasons for - which doesn't really come across as manipulative.
Am I totally misreading those sections somehow? Help Pepper...guide me to understand these characters.
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But she seems to be a confused woman who's had her work-a-day world turned on its head in a short time, and she's fighting feelings that cause her to do things she's not even clear on her reasons for - which doesn't really come across as manipulative.
Or, she could be both.
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From: (Anonymous)
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However, I do believe that she has buried herself so deep she can't crawl her way back out. I think her sociopathic tendencies are her way of surviving and she simply doesn't know (or doesn't want to know) another way.
From what I understand, there is no redemption in this story. Although glimpses of that is, to me, what makes both of them so very much compelling. (In fact, that's exactly what attracted me to the Spike character in the series. A combination of goodness/conscience while maintaining a core of darkness/evil. . .the ends justifies the means type of thing). What Bubonicplague said about the ending, though, intrigues me. Because, unfortunately, I don't see how these two characters are not going to end up destroying each other and/or themselves.
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He loves her!
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Re: He loves her!
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Absolutely Amazing
Keep it up.
:Moira:
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About Buffy
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Re: About Buffy
And I wouldn't worry about the ending. ;)
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