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Feeling better this morning thanks to a good night's sleep and waking up to Messa's, Sabre's, and Laura's posts. Thank you. :) It's weird because I know that y'all are my friends, but at the same time, I don't know. I don't have enough confidence in myself (yet) to always be secure with relationships---but, believe it or not, this is much, much better than I've been in the past.
Before I wouldn't have bothered to post about my feelings and try to work through them. I would have just gone to bed and stayed up all night weighing the relative pros and cons of suicide. (FTR, I did not have, as my husband would call them, "crazy thoughts" last night.)
Before I wouldn't have bothered to post about my feelings and try to work through them. I would have just gone to bed and stayed up all night weighing the relative pros and cons of suicide. (FTR, I did not have, as my husband would call them, "crazy thoughts" last night.)
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From:
no subject
I'm sorry I didn't see your message last night; I'm glad you had a relatively uneventful night afterwards and are feeling a bit better today. As someone who has gone through what you've described on and off over several years, I really do understand. It can be a very crushing weight, doubting not only yourself but your relationships with the people around you. It often doesn't help to try to think things through logically-- knowing in your head how much Jaime cares for you, and what a loss it would be to your family in general, often does little to dissipate what I have often concluded is an accident of brain chemistry. It's exhausting. At times like that, all I can ever do is try to be very very good to myself, to do what one friend once told me is "the next best thing". You can't always make yourself "happy" exactly, sometimes you can't even console yourself. So you just do one thing. Focus on doing one thing, whether it's making something to eat, or writing in your LJ. Alphebatize your CDs or anesthetize yourself with the game show network. I realize that none of these things seem especially cheery, but when you're in "that place", cheery can seem impossible, so you do the utilitarian, even if it's scrubbing the bathroom, or writing a letter or adding up long series of numbers. And don't go near any objects you might use to hurt yourself.
I also understand about the loneliness and the weight issues. I wish that I had it in me to do what Messa did at her school, but I have a pathological fear almost of meeting new people. I have a couple of people at school that I could e-mail, for example, to get class assignments; however, I'd say that I've made very very few friends since starting at this new school; I probably don't help matters--it's all circular. Feeling at sea while at school, I can't wait to leave in the afternoons, and nearly bolt out the doors to get to the safety of home. Which of course means I very rarely meet anybody new, and most of the time that's a-okay by me. Until I look around and realize that I haven't talked to a RL "friend" in weeks, have been out for coffee only once in the last month. For myself, I've come to think of it as life having phases which can last for a few years, and certain phases are lonelier than others. During those times, you just do what it takes to meet your basic social needs--if ff and chat and the people there can keep you going, then we are glad to be that for you; but if you find that it doesn't always work as a full replacement for RL interaction, take the plunge and contact an old friend for a phone call or outing. You don't have to feel like you're going to try to force a full-scale resumption of what you've had before after being out of contact for a long while, but just that few hours can do some good. Also, don't be afraid to ask for what you need. If you need someone right that instant to talk just to you, and it's so late that chat is all there is, you don't have to feel like you're confined to just watching the conversation as it flows--PM one or a few of us that you need someone to talk to about anything or nothing; we can PM back and forth about cookies or politics or music or families or anything that will make you feel engaged and listened to. As far as the weight issues--most of us can relate; for example, I've dieted on and off for years and run ourselves through the ringer over it. Whether I'm dieting or stopping dieting or trying to start one, or trying not to think about it, it's a compulsion to look at oneself in the mirror and feel deeply that you are not okay, that the way that you are is not okay. If I had any good advice to give on this, I'd give; but it's a real accomplishment to have gotten to the point where you don't do that to yourself on a daily basis, and it has nothing to do with getting to the point of being thing. I'm not there yet, I'm not healthy about it. To quote cliches at you, there's that Tori lyric--"I'm okay when everything is not okay". That's all I can aim for, to know what I do to myself, to recognize it for what it is, and even if I can't stop myself from doing it, I put it into its box and try not to let it affect my life from minute to minute, to confine it to manageable proportions.
From:
no subject
Take care of yourself. Be good to yourself. Think about your strengths, even if it feels artificial; tell yourself over and over again until you start to believe it. And when your confidence fails, you start all over again, if only because there will be good tv and good books and good music that won't come out for another ten years, extraordinary chocolate and sunny days and awful jokes you'll laugh at in spite of yourself, tomorrow or next week or a month from now, and you'd be awfully pissed at yourself if you missed it all, I promise.
From:
no subject
Thanks Jess. I'm feeling kinda overwhelmed by everybody's posts. It really gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling and I'm not just saying that. I wish I could express my appreciation better.
From:
no subject
Don't worry about it--the point is that you need to know that there are people who care if you're sad, who value having you in this world; it's not a favor someone asks for in a crisis; it's what you have a right to expect--just a little bit of help every now and again.
From:
Glad you're feeling better
Whoops!
Anyways, if you're ever down and want to chat, you can PM me or call me. I've done the laying awake all night balancing my checkbook, analyzing my relationships and cursing my life, way too many times. I know how awful it can be.